Standing Still
by JoyfulMariska
Summary: It's the only thing that can make the images fade - the only thing that has the power to dull her pain. It's the same thing that killed her mother, and if it has enough time it'll do the same to her.
1. Chapter 1

**Not really sure where this one is going, but I thought it'd be interesting to explore Olivia's drinking in season 15. This is before Noah - the beginning sets up the timing. Hope you enjoy it! If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them. **

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><p>Olivia walked home alone that night, the chill of the night sinking into her veins as her heart mourned. She heard Brian's words.<p>

_I love you._

It was the first time either of them had said it. They'd been together more than a year.

Liv shuddered against the cold as she reached the front doors of her apartment building. Her legs moved on their own as her body ignored her mind and heart telling her to stop, to give up.

Alone. She was alone again.

The door to her apartment opened with difficulty. Olivia turned only one light and halted inside the door. His stuff was gone. He was gone - all of him. Olivia's lump in her throat grew, closing her throat as the tears began to stream down her face. It had been goodbye. Though they had both agreed on it, it still hurt.

The shadows seemed more threatening upon the walls without Brian there with her. She sighed as she consciously stopped the tears. Her hand wiped the rivers from her cheeks as she swallowed hard and put her legs into motion again. She reached for the cupboard in the kitchen that she'd become acquainted with well. Brian's absence, her new position, her recovery, it had all driven her to that very cupboard time before. Everything in her screamed at her to put the bottle down, but her hand kept pouring. She knew it was wrong. She had no power left to stop it after giving it all to keeping herself together.

The alcohol made her nerves relax. It made her mind slow down. It made the images go away.

The deep purple touched her lips as she took three long swigs from the glass in her hand. She leaned heavily against the counter as she took it from her mouth, shaking her head. It was so wrong. She finished the whole glass in three more gulps. The soft burning in her throat comforted her.

Olivia glanced to her right. She'd be spending the night alone. The second glass went faster than the first, and the third and fourth faster yet. Her mind began to let go of the things that hurt her the most. She closed her eyes as she poured the fifth.

_You're just like your mother. You promised yourself you'd never do this._

She kept pouring.

_She was weak. You're weak. Making the images go away won't erase what happened._

The glass was too full. Liquid came spilling over the top of it as Olivia tried to react, tipping the bottle back up. She cursed quietly as she took two long drinks from it. Then she grabbed a rag from the sink. Her turn back to where she'd spilled dizzied her. The room contorted into images of every kind from the last year - everything she and Brian had ever done. She saw him the first time they'd given each other everything, but then Lewis was the one kissing her. His face was in hers as he smiled evilly.

Olivia pushed a hand to her forehead as she widened her eyes, trying in vain to make them stop. The room began to disappear as her panic set in. It was blurred around the edges as complete areas of the things she was seeing went black. When she saw Lewis pull the trigger on himself, her body let every muscle in her collapse. Her face struck the counter as she went down, already unconscious.

The doctor had told her not to drink. He had told her firmly. It's not that she hadn't listened. It's that she hadn't cared. Her body laid still on the floor of her kitchen. Her brain was dark. The images were gone. The alcohol had worked - again.

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><p>Nick, Amanda, and Fin sat in their desks the next morning waiting for their leader to direct them into a new case. She wasn't there. Nick checked his watch for the seventh time. 9:30.<p>

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><p>Olivia stood in front of her mirror, dressed as usual, an ice pack to her forehead. She took a deep breath before removing it, hoping it wasn't still there. It was. Her skin above her left eyebrow was different shades of blue, purple, and brown. The bruising spread down to her eyelid as the cut straight through her eyebrow throbbed red. Her head pounded, reeling from the blow. Her eyes were red. Her face was white.<p>

Not one sick day would suffice in covering it up. It would be obvious for weeks. Olivia scolded herself, first for drinking on a Sunday night - second for everything else. Gingerly, she used her makeup to cover it up the best she could. It wasn't enough to keep her squad from noticing. She knew it.

* * *

><p>Nick was the first one to look up when Olivia came through the door. She didn't look up, instead training her gaze on a newspaper in her hand, coffee in the other.<p>

"We were getting nervous you weren't coming." Fin spoke up with a smile.

Olivia didn't look up. She didn't even acknowledge that she'd heard him.

"You alright, Liv?" Amanda said the words gingerly. She knew Olivia hated them, but she had to ask.

Olivia kept her eyes down. "I'm fine."

She knew it hadn't sounded convincing, but at least she'd responded. "Get going on those fives from last case."

She said nothing more before disappearing into her office and closing the door. Nick looked back at Fin and Amanda.

"Damn." Fin sounded regretful. He was. Olivia's days were long and hard, and she was good at hiding her exhaustion. She wasn't able to this morning. Something was wrong.

Olivia tossed the files onto her desk as her head continued to throb. She was careful not to put her hand to her wound. It was when her eyes caught the picture behind her desk that she was brought to a halt. There she was, raising her hand to her head in salute as she accepted her promotion. Her uniform had always brought pride to her. She had been so ready that day to move forward with her life. But every day that had followed only added to the weight she was already forced to carry.

She swallowed again, fighting everything she felt. Was that even the same person in the picture as the one standing there looking at it? So much had happened since then. Lewis had gotten his final chance. He'd reopened all of her wounds that had just begun to heal. It seemed these would last longer.

Her entire body jumped when she heard the knock on her door quickly followed by the sound of it opening. She turned, looking straight into her partner's eyes. Nick halted immediately, his face gone pale. He could see the bruise that discolored her left eye.

"Liv -" He couldn't say anything else as he walked forward.

Olivia glanced down and shook her head. "It's nothing, Nick."

She crossed her arms to make herself look bigger than she felt.

Nick was weak in the legs as he saw the injury. It scared him. He remembered well the last time he'd seen a gash like that on her face: the day he'd brought her out of that beach house.

Olivia held his eyes in her own as he stopped mere feet from her.

"What happened?" He ignored her _"it's nothing."_ It was obviously something. He reached for it, not knowing what he was going to do once he touched it.

Olivia moved her head to the side to keep him from making contact with it. "I fell - and I hit my head on the kitchen counter. I'm ok. It was just an accident."

When she locked gazes with him again, she could see he didn't believe her. She could expect nothing less. He read her like no one else could. He knew she was lying.

"If he hit you -" Nick shook his head angrily as he didn't speak Brian's name. He'd kill him.

"Brian would never do that." Olivia spat back. Then the pain from her head spread again to her heart. Her eyes strayed as her head became to heavy to hold up.

Nick noticed it as fast as she felt it. "What." He didn't ask a question.

Olivia forced herself to hold her head up again. "He's gone. We thought it was best."

The two just studied one another for a long moment of silence. Olivia could see Nick's regret in his eyes. He could see her pain in hers. It was like all his words were gone. He could offer nothing.

"God Liv - I'm sorry."

Olivia shook her head, playing it off as she always did. She took a seat in her desk and opened the first file she saw.

"It is what it is." She used his own words.

Nick left the room when it became clear that their conversation was over. It was strange how distant Olivia was. Amanda and Fin were both looking at him when he came out.

"She's got a gash on her eyebrow. Just don't bring it up, alright? Said she fell." Nick sat down and sighed deeply.

"She alright?" Amanda leaned forward.

"I don't think so." Nick shook his head.

The room was silent for the remainder of the morning.

* * *

><p>Olivia watched her detectives working hard. It made her guilt even worse. She had to be strong for them. She was the one they looked to for leadership. Yet she was the one wearing the evidence on her face that she was crumbling.<p>

She didn't leave her office all day. She didn't visit with anyone else. The sun passed through the sky until the day drew to an end. With a deep breath, she stood up. It would be too obvious that something more was going on if she didn't speak to them all day. She left her office of safety and addressed her detectives.

"Nick, Fin, Amanda." They each looked up. Her injury was worse than they'd pictured from Nick's words.

Olivia could see them trying to keep their eyes from it.

"I hit my head." She explained quietly. "How far did you guys get on those fives?"

Fin cleared his throat. "I'm almost done."

Amanda nodded. "Me too."

Olivia pointed toward her desk. "You can drop them on my desk. I'll finish them tomorrow."

She already had her bag on her shoulder. "Have a good night." Then she was gone.

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><p><em>It was already dark when she stood in the mountainous multitude of ghostly graves. The cemetery was empty, the lights of the city behind her reflected off of the shining headstones. Her feet stopped as soon as she reached the place he rested. The name mocked her as the feeling of him chilled her. <em>

_William Lewis. _

_He was where he should be. But still he wasn't. He was invading her mind every day. How was it fair? The noises didn't reach her ears as she shoved her hands into her pockets. She was turning to go when she felt the metal of a gun make contact with her head. She froze when she heard him speak._

_ "Still haven't let me go, huh? I could expect nothing less." Then he walked in front of her as she stood, unable to move. _

_William Lewis stared back at her, wearing that smile of his. Olivia was unable to tear her gaze from his, even as his finger tightened on the trigger. She was still staring at him when the bullet entered her brain and the world disappeared in a flash of white._

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><p>Olivia jolted awake from the nightmare to find herself alone. Her body trembled as she shook the image of Lewis' face from her eyes. It seemed to be burned into her mind. She couldn't get it to disappear completely. It made her jump when she heard the ticking of the clock.<p>

She took every step to the kitchen slowly, finding herself at the cupboard again. There was no time for her to grab for a glass. She put the bottle straight to her lips, taking in as many swigs as she could. The bottle was lighter than before after she'd finished. She waited for the sensation to spread throughout her every nerve. She waited in the dark to silence her brain, telling her everything she was doing was wrong.

That wine had the power to stop it, for however long. It began to take over her nerves. Her empty stomach sent it all straight through her blood. It softened the hard edges of Lewis face in her memory. Her muscles relaxed. When she made it back to her bed, she collapsed. Every nightmare was gone. It had worked again.


	2. Chapter 2

The days began to blur together as the month sped on at hyper speed. There were so many cases to solve and not enough time to do so. It bent the 1-6 beneath the crushing weight of a staggering amount of new cases. 1PP watched every day to see to it that Sergeant Benson was capable of running a squad. They kept them all under the microscope, even though no one knew it but Olivia herself.

She sat in her desk on a dim afternoon, rolling her pen between her fingers as she watched her squad at work. The deep sigh she gave alleviated nothing. There was still that discomfort within. It felt as though something in her was off - misplaced, broken even. A large part of her cared not an ounce for doing the work she'd so long lived for.

Her mind tried to fight against it, but she knew it was right. If it didn't get easier, there was no way she'd be able to keep it up.

Nick's eye caught hers as he glanced back into her office.

Her bruise was fading, but it reminded her every time she looked in the mirror of how much she drank every night.

Nick's heart sank when he met her gaze. He could see how exhausted she was, physically and emotionally. Yet there was almost nothing he felt ready to do. He respected her too much to bring Lewis up again - to face her directly in asking her what she needed. But every nerve in him told him to betray those thoughts anyway.

Every day the darkness in her eyes grew. Every day she brought to work with her the evidence of another night gone by with hardly a wink of rest.

Nick made his decision and then took his eyes from hers, returning to his work silently. He had already seen her read him. It was too late to keep her from knowing what his thoughts were.

Olivia watched as her partner tore his gaze from hers. She was so listless. She looked back at her paperwork to find some determination to catch the spark of interest she swore she still had. She felt nothing. The spark was either buried so deeply within her that she couldn't find it, or it was gone forever.

Olivia took a deep breath as the lines of words blurred together. The feeling that she had when she felt she didn't have the fire she used to anymore was the most crushing, and it happened daily. She found her mind wandering as her pen hovered over the blank lines requiring simple markings to finish. Her throat craved the burning of her release as she swallowed air. Her mind wanted to be set free of its burdens again, relieving her body of its aches as she dealt with the stress and exhaustion.

Olivia bit her lip. It had happened. And she knew it. She was hooked. She was addicted.

Her pen fell from her grip. She dropped her eyes to the floor, shaking her head for so many different reasons. Then as she let herself look up again, she caught Nick's eyes in hers again. This time they were locked on one another. Neither looked away. Neither could.

Olivia saw the concern in Nick's eyes - maybe even a little fear. Nick could see her reading his eyes as he saw the darkness and pain that showed her internal struggle. It hadn't been like that since she'd come to work with that horrific injury. She was never openly weighted. Sure - they could tell before that she was under a lot of pressure, but they had no idea. She didn't let on that she was struggling. Even in a room full of officers who know when the slightest dynamic was off, she used her expertise to keep her battles out of everyone's eyes. Until the moment his eyes locked with hers, he had had only the slightest idea of how deep her pain went.

Olivia could tell he was reading deeper than before, but she couldn't will herself to look away. The familiarity and comfort she found in his eyes was unequal to anything she'd had in many weeks. It only lasted a few moments. Nick's gaze moved, carried to the man who entered the squad room. Olivia had seen him.

Tucker entered her office, closing the door behind him. Suddenly Olivia's healing injury felt more noticeable. She stood up and saw his eyes as he saw it.

"The hell happened to you?" He absentmindedly reached out toward the injury before thinking better of it and pulling his hand away.

Olivia shook her head. "Nothing. What brings you here?"

She changed the subject as quickly as she could. It didn't keep Tucker's eyes from catching the bruise occasionally. It took a moment to get his thoughts back in order.

"Just wanted - the suits wanted me to relay a message. The task force that has been examining past cases - the integrity unit - is done. Police commissioner wants the money going somewhere else."

Olivia paused for a moment, trying to wrap her brain around what that meant. Nothing. It meant nothing.

"I thought you _were_ one of those suits." She let only a sliver of playfulness grab hold in her cynical comment.

Tucker could barely hear it. His eyes kept flickering back to the bruise on her forehead.

"Cute, Sergeant." He fired back with narrow eyes, his signature look. But it grew soft soon after he'd made it.

"He just wanted you to know that they didn't find anything else in sex crimes that needed any sort of a double look. Thought it'd lighten your load a little." He shifted his weight, a little thrown by how uneasy he felt. It was something he hadn't felt before.

Looking at that bruise almost made his stomach turn. It didn't make sense. Had she fallen? Had Cassidy - ? No. He wouldn't. Would he?

Olivia nodded slowly. "And he couldn't have picked up the phone to tell me that? He had to send you."

She continued to challenge as she crossed her arms, leaning back on her desk.

"A phone call to your office has a 20 percent chance of getting answered. If that. It was the best bet we had to just let you know. I'm not enjoying this either, Sergeant." Tucker couldn't cross his arms. It felt like they were frozen.

Olivia nodded slowly, feeling her blood run cold as soon as she remembered why it sounded so familiar. David Haden. David Haden had walked out of her life - they'd chosen the road they were on - so that he could accept the promotion and keep his job as the head of the crime integrity unit.

"Thanks." She spoke softly, making it clear that it was time for Tucker to let himself out.

As the man reached for the door, he cursed under his breath, almost hating what he already knew was coming out of his mouth next. He turned toward her again.

"You get that checked out by a doctor?" He pointed to her forehead.

Olivia pressed her teeth together. "No. It's nothing big."

Tucker paused for a long moment. "How 'big' was it when you did it?"

He didn't give her a chance to answer. He knew more than he cared to talk about.

Olivia was left speechless. She touched her tender bruise. He was right.

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><p>David moved the last of his boxes back into his old office, a comfortable feeling after three years of 1PP's work. He wiped the slight evidence of his effort from his forehead.<p>

He examined the work to be done. There was so much of it. But he felt right again.

He sighed as he moved a box from his desk chair to the bookshelf behind it. The night was quiet. The night was lonely.

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><p>Olivia couldn't get past Nick, who was the last of the team still seated in the squad room when she left, without a look of question. She stopped briefly, her bag dangling from her arm.<p>

"He just came in to tell me the crime integrity unit was disbanded. It's nothing big." She gave him a small smile, reassuring him that she was actually telling him everything.

It felt like he'd been doubting that, and she knew that's because it was true. She'd been telling him hardly anything. But he still knew something was going on. He simply respected her too much to ask. She knew that.

He nodded as he leaned back. "Need a lift home?" He asked quietly. He already knew what the answer would be.

Olivia wanted to tell him. She wanted to tell him everything. But she knew she couldn't. Riding home with him would only be silence that she couldn't break. Still, she found herself sick of the looks she got on the subway with the healing bruise on her forehead.

"Sure."

Nick had to pause to make sure he'd heard right. But he stood up cautiously, gathering his things as Olivia stood there. They were silent on the way to the parking space. It was almost five minutes into the drive when Olivia got the courage to speak.

"Nick I know I haven't been - I haven't been much of myself lately." She sighed deeply.

Nick said nothing. He didn't feel he could, and he knew Olivia didn't expect him to. She looked down at her hands. Never before had she felt so unsure of herself.

"I'm just - I'm getting there." She said even quieter.

Nick swallowed hard, preparing himself for the backlash he felt he might get when he asked.

"Is there something going on - with you?"

He had to put it that way. He had no idea what was going on. But it wasn't just Olivia "not feeling like herself." It was more. He knew that bruise hadn't resulted from a clumsy fall. Olivia didn't do that.

She shot him a face of anger, feeling boxed into a corner, exposed. "

If you know, would you tell me?" She threw knives into her sarcastic response.

Nick felt them ricochet away from him before they had a chance to sink their blades into his skin. He knew the pressure she was under, and her answer simply made it easier for him to understand something _was_ happening.

Olivia shifted uneasily, calming herself. She realized what she'd just done.

"I'm sorry." She almost whispered.

Nick's car rolled to a stop at the curb of her building just in time to save her from explaining. It felt like she was always running, and as strange as it seemed, she didn't have the energy to stop. Olivia let her gaze settle on her partner again.

"Thanks, Nick."

"Anytime. Listen, Liv - if there's anything you need -"

She cut him off. "I know. Thanks."

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><p>Her feet took the stairs in stride up to her lonely, empty apartment. She knew her good friend was waiting. Her door closed behind her, and her legs took her to the cupboard. It yielded warmth in her throat, the comfort of burning in her stomach. The first glass, second and third were gone within five minutes. The fourth went down no problem, the fifth following easily.<p>

Olivia leaned against the cupboard as she felt the liquid working. She hated herself for doing it, and she knew exactly what it was she was doing. But she could not stop. Even her self-disappointment as she sipped the wine disappeared when it took affect, and that was why she did it.

Lewis disappeared, her mother, her job, her loneliness.

She'd hardly made it to bed when she collapsed into darkness, the calm trap within her mind. The world let her go, and she did. She went. She left her problems, creating another one - a bigger one.


	3. Chapter 3

Olivia awoke that Saturday morning in her Friday work clothes, her eyes burning, her head throbbing. It hardly seemed in that moment that it was worth it, those hours of darkness and calm when it yielded to a morning of pain.

She sat up, shamed she couldn't hide the truth from her own mind. It was like she pretended it was possible for her body to do something her mind told her not to. She always knew what she was doing when she held that bottle. And even when she wished she could forget that, it was always true. Still, as long as she kept it to herself, she could keep pretending.

Her feet hit the cool wood floor, the glance over her shoulder reminding her that she was still alone, three plus months now without Brian. She stood, feeling hollow. Why did it matter if she needed an escape? Slowly, she made her way to the kitchen, finding her heart pounding even harder than her head. She missed feeling Brian's hands holding her those nights she relived the things she never told him of. He didn't even know, and he held her anyway.

Olivia let her weight slump against the counter as she leaned into the cupboards. She missed feeling him slip into bed with her when his nights at the office were longer than hers. He worked so hard to gain respect in the department again. Unfortunately, his absence took a toll - on both of them.

Olivia shook her head as she closed her eyes, willing the lump in her throat to go away. It didn't. As she spun and reached for the cupboard again, her hand stopped, gripping the handle of the closed cabinet. Her knuckles turned white as she dipped her head, letting the emotions out at last.

She'd shed not a tear since the first night Brian was gone. Ever since, she'd used the bottle to keep the tears down to keep her mind relaxed and paralyze her feelings. The unfamiliar sensation of a tear began the trails down her face. One after another fell over her cheeks, landing on the counter below. Olivia let her grip on the cabinet slip and she slid to the floor.

_How did I end up here?_

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><p>Nick felt it. He felt he should call, that he should do something, anything to help her. There was something wrong, something bigger than she was even hinting at. But he knew. He was her partner. He was connected to her in a way no one else could be.<p>

He sat in front of the living room window, ignoring the news on his TV. The coffee in his hand burned him from within the mug, yet he felt nothing.

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><p>David sat down in his apartment the moment after he grabbed his cup of coffee. He sank into the couch with a heavy sigh, echoing off the walls of his empty home. His children were with his wife where they always were. He was in the silence more often than not.<p>

He looked around when he took the file from the coffee table - the file he'd gotten as a favor from a friend at 1PP. He didn't know why he needed it. He most certainly didn't want to open it. But he did. It would have been possible for him to look before, but he couldn't. It seemed now that he was back to his normal job after three years, he felt he was a part of the city again - a part of the police force. And he needed to know.

He opened it.

The first page fell into his lap, and he grabbed it to put it back where it belonged - freezing. The picture was of the woman he'd known so well, the one he swore he'd never leave - and still did. He'd been thinking about her a lot through the year. He knew about Lewis and the trial. He knew how it ended, but he didn't know how the whole thing had began - or even ended.

The file listed Olivia Benson's condition upon her first admittance to Bellevue following her rescue the past May. David read the first few words before opting for the next page, somehow hoping it could get better.

_Open head wound. Ligature marks and bruising on the wrists. Lacerations and burns on extremities._

He swallowed hard. The next page was a horrifying picture. It was Olivia. Was it, though? He had to question himself. His stomach turned. His heart hurt for her.

Blood seeped from an open wound on her head, blood trickling from her nose and lip as the holes in her shirt and enflamed lacerations showed on her arms. The bruise around her eye was so dark and deep.

He turned the page one more time - another picture, this one of her wrists. The bruises and scratches were obviously from handcuffs - her own.

David shut the file. He couldn't pry through it. It wasn't right. If he was to find out, she would be the one to tell him.

* * *

><p>Olivia lifted herself from the floor after a few moments of emotional release. She pulled herself together as she did every day and stood to make a cup of coffee. Her hands supported her as she leaned heavily on the counter. Her eyes blurred every time she blinked as her head throbbed. Even through the headache, she recalled Tucker's words from more than a month or two before. In her blurry thoughts, she saw the comfort that was David Haden.<p>

Everything he'd done, everything he'd said had convinced Olivia that he would do all he could to make sure she was loved - loved and safe. She shifted her weight as she poured herself the coffee. What was she thinking anyway? It had been his decision and he'd left. And he had told her before that he wasn't going anywhere, yet he had.

Olivia set her cup down, suddenly having lost the appetite for a sobering caffeine boost. She put a hand to her head, feeling the need for fresh air. She knew she had to get out of her aparrtent before all the memories in it suffocated her. The scalding water created no pain when it kissed Olivia's flushed skin in the steaming shower. She could feel nothing anyway. The towel felt rough against her, but her jeans were a welcome change to dress pants. She found herself walking along the sidewalk below her building less than an hour after waking.

The day was loud in the city as it always was. She took a deep breath. Maybe it was time to escape from it for a while. She ambled by a park and into a busier part of the neighborhood. The morning's heat only made her more aware of the inescapable reality that she had been taking to the bottle for more than four months. She'd been going home to an empty apartment for almost that. With a deeper breath than the last, Olivia left the late April morning air and ducked into a cafe.

* * *

><p>David sat in the cafe down the street from his apartment reading the paper that Saturday morning as he did most weekends when he glanced up. It could be no one else to come through the door at that very moment than Olivia Benson.<p>

He set his coffee on the table and sat up straighter as he blinked twice to make sure it was really her. Her hands were in the pockets of her light jacket, her hair almost the same length he remembered when he used to fall asleep stroking it. Even with the familiarity, just seeing her made him feel off. She had a different presence surrounding her. She didn't stand as tall. She didn't seem as bright. She was thinner than he reemembered, her face yielding no smile.

David swallowed hard as he saw the first picture in her case file from Lewis' trial. It was the only one he had seen before closing it to never reopen it again. Her eye had no bruise surrounding it, her face free of the lacerations and marks. Seeing her standing before him, as he thought about what she'd experienced since the last time he'd laid eyes on her, made his heart hurt. It was pained for the hardships of the woman he still loved.

She turned, finding his eyes as she did. Olivia reacted calmly, freezing as she met the gaze of a man she'd not seen in over two years. He looked the same.

Her swallow was visible to him as she grabbed her coffee.

Olivia sighed, taking her steps toward him. She had no choice. She sat across from him slowly.

"It's been a long time, David." She spoke first, giving a soft smile as she did.

David let the breath he was holding out, relief filtering through his body.

"That it has, Olivia." He folded his paper as he set it down, watching her work her hands around the brim of her cup.

She was nervous, but invigorated. It was a familiar feeling.

"So - how have you been?" She asked before he could, knowing where it'd end up if she didn't.

David sighed, "Can't complain. Figuring a few things out with this whole getting my old job back, but it's manageable."

He nodded with a smile. "And youself?"

Olivia lied immediatley. "Good. You know, Tucker took the liberty of paying me a visit just to tell me your integrity unit had finished its work."

She felt herself actually smile, actually joke with sarcasm. It was almost a new feeling it had been gone so long. David let himself smile easily back. It felt like catching up with the kind of a best friend that even if you've not seen each other in a decade, it feels like no time at all has past.

"What a gentleman." He used his sarcasm as well as Olivia recalled. "I hear you're spending your time as CO of the 1-6 these days - _Sergeant_ Benson. How's that been?"

He treaded lightly, working around what he could tell she was fearing he'd ask about. She nodded gratefully, feeling the connection without any effort. She could see him avoiding it for her sake, and she knew he could see her silently thanking him.

"Well if ever I wanted kids, this job sure has me prepared." She heard a strange sound come from her throat: A laugh. An actual laugh. It was like she'd begun to feel human again.

"But it's a good place for me to be right now." Olivia took a sip of her coffee, still wary of her head throbbing.

David did the same. "It's really good to see you, Liv." He said with a nod.

The smile returned to Olivia's face. "You too, David. I'd stay longer to talk, but I'm actually headed to the precinct to work on some paperwork." She lied again.

It wasn't because she needed to get out. She wished to continue the conversation, but only if it was guaranteed her assault wouldn't be part of it. Since that wasn't the case, she had to end it - for now.

"It'd be nice to talk to you again sometime. I'll give you a call?" He was hopeful as he took the leap.

Olivia's smile widened. "Sounds good to me. I'll see you around then, David."

"Bye, Liv."

He watched her leave, his heart light, his face bright.

_What a woman._

* * *

><p>Olivia found herself in her apartment again, instead of sipping from the bottle sitting on the couch as she contemplated her friend's words. He was a good man, a man she wished she hadn't had to let go.<p>

Her sigh freed her of some feeling that had kept her prisoner for the past half a year. With the last of her ccoffee gone, she closed her eyes and drifted into a calm sleep, a deep sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

The sun rose high in the sky, no clouds to dim its increasingly powerful rays. The last of the snow began its disappearance as it dripped from branches of trees and fell from the roofs of buildings.

She awoke to the silence of her own home, the sun descending to the horizon. It was then that her mind played back the same scenes she ran from every night. Her eyes closed, trying in vain to defend her from the psychological assault. The images played over. Even the thought of the conversation she'd had with her old friend was completely unreachable beyond the more traumatic memories, some from more than a year before.

His face was spitting in hers as he threatened to end her life with her own weapon, the badge of her old partner flashing in her eyes as she realized she'd never speak to him - or anyone - ever again.

She leaned forward on the couch, pushing her hands to cover her eyes. It was no choice of her own to stand unsteadily and grab the handle of that cupboard again. It opened with a familiar creak, reminding her every time of what she was about to do. The glass came out without protest, the bottle the same. It was never any use to go to the refrigerator to find a bottle. The ones she opened were always gone in one sitting.

She swallowed hard as she poured. The glass filled with the purple liquid touched her lips. It was tasteless as she swallowed fast, the glass emptying within a minute. She refilled it to the brim, refusing to think about what she was doing - again. The face of her assailant in her mind made it ok to take whatever measures she had to to remove it.

The second glass went faster than the first, the third faster yet. It was when she was pouring herself the fourth that she heard the knock on her door, the knock that made her heart stop. The alcohol was rushing through her body, about to hit her hard - she knew that from experience - and whoever was on the other side of that door would know.

Her head already had begun to spin as she dumped the wine in the glass down the sink, placing it and the half-empty bottle back in their cupboard. Her feet found it difficult to make it around the side of the counter toward the door. She kickedthe trash bag lying in wait to be taken out as she lunged and peered through the hole at the person on the other side of the door.

She swallowed painfully. Her partner.

Her hand fumbled to the handle and the door swung open. He greeted her with a stern face. He could see something was off as she leaned against thedoor, clutching the handle with white knuckles.

"What are you doing here, Nick?" She was grateful her speech was still crisp. It took more than three glasses to incapacitate her - usually.

He stepped forward. "Are you alright?"

She put a shaking hand to her head. "I'm actually not feeling well. I was just about to lie down."

She took a deep breath and let go of the door, turning to walk as straight as she could to the couch. He entered, closing the door behind him as he followed quizzically.

"What's up?" She sat heavily as he did.

He hesitated, studying her further before replying. "I was just - swinging by."

It was a terrible answer. He could see the doubt in her eyes. Even as her vision refocused and her head cleared, she looked at him skeptically.

"You don't have to do that. I'm fine." She sounded defeated.

He noted her pale skin flushing as he watched. He swore silently, grabbing the courage to say what he'd promised himself not to. He'd felt as if out of respect for her, he should stay silent about the change he saw in her. But he realized it was different than respect letting her struggle without saying anything. He cared about her - that was different than respect, and out of care he should have done something sooner. That's what had brought him across the city that Saturday.

Her eyes were dilated as she silently told him he shouldn't have come.

"I don't really have much of a choice here." He replied quietly. "I can see more than you'd like to admit."

She snapped her head toward him, dizzying her further.

He stood defiantly. He would have to one day anyway. Her throat surged as she swallowed harder than before. Her anger with his confrontation morphed into calm understanding.

"I know." Her voice shook as her hands did.

"I'm still working towards -" She stopped, glancing at him. "I'm trying."

He felt the lump in his throat return as he saw her pain manifesting as it never had right in front of him.

He sat down next to her with a sigh. "Me too - at getting this whole partner thing right." Silence enveloped both of them.

He moved his eyes to her, finding her staring straight ahead. She remained quiet, finding the energy to speak having left her.

"I know." She echoed his own words as she raised her eyes to his. "Me too."

She gave the saddest smile he'd ever seen as her body collapsed into the couch. She laid against the armrest, unable to keep herself upright any longer. He was scared to see her in such physical condition. It was like she could not physically handle everything that was burdening her every moment of every day.

"There anything I can do?" He asked as he put a hand on her shoulder.

She jumped at the contact. "No. No I'll be alright. Thanks for stopping, Nick."

Her eyes closed in defeat as he stood up. "See you Monday. Rest up, Liv."

The minute after he shut the door behind him, she felt the first tear slide down her cheek. He was more than she deserved as a partner. He was truthful while she kept half of her own life a lie - right to his face. She had to pull herself together, even if it was just for him.

The glass of wine remained in the cupboard as she alcohol already creeping through her veins put her to sleep.

* * *

><p>Sunday came and went, much the same as Saturday had been. Monday morning arrived with little sun, the dark skies ripped open with a spring storm, dropping rain on the city. The squad room was dreary when he arrived, but his heart fell as he found his partner, his commanding officer, her head to the grindstone. Her shoulders were falling from her body as the weight upon them became visibile. The woman across from him spoke softly.<p>

"You see it too?" She found her boss' demeanor overwhelming as well. He nodded as he sat.

Amanda shifted in her seat. "She ok?"

He shook his head as he focused his attention to his work. "I don't know."

* * *

><p>David moved the last of his boxes from his old office into his new one, finding himself in transition even as he continued his position of EADA in the fourth month of his reinstatement. Soon after organizing the boxes' contents in his office, he met with the head of the office to be briefed on the first case he was assigned to take on.<p>

He sighed, brought back to the conversation he had had with Olivia that weekend. It was strange knowing he would have a chance to have her in his life - however that might be. He was confident that having her friendship was worth getting over any awkward feelings with their previous relationship - though there seemed to be none. His mind wandered as his boss spoke.

"David." He snapped back to reality as they grabbed his attention again.

"My apologies. Continue." It was worth the distraction. He made up his mind.

_I'll call her. I'll call her tonight._

* * *

><p>The day was grueling. Olivia appeared from her office halfway through the quiet morning to inform her squad of a rape-homicide to be investigated in Chelsea. Nick, Amanda, and Fin moved to head to the scene when Olivia went on to say she was going with them.<p>

The rain pelted them all day long as thunder periodically rolled across the sky. Olivia let it heighten her senses, putting every emotion in her own body aside as she stayed in commander mode. She and Nick spent the afternoon on the scene with CSU, waiting for as much information as they could while Amanda and Fin headed back to the precinct to speak with the family of the young victim.

At 3:00, Nick stepped out from the alley where the CSU team continued to work beneath a tent. He found Olivia speaking with an assistant to the coroner standing out where the rain continued to fall in chilly sheets. She looked exhausted - exhausted and wet. She ended her conversation just as he approached her and pulled her under and awning on the side of the street.

"We've got all we can from here. Let's get out of here."

Olivia nodded after he finished. They shut the rain out as they sat in the squad car.

"I don't even know why I took a shower this morning." She stated dismally as she ran a hand through her drenched hair.

Nick smiled. A joke. He couldn't remember the last time she joked.

"Well my hair's gonna be ruined." He tried for a smile, maybe even a laugh. He got it.

Olivia flashed her smile, feeling freed as she did so. She often forgot how lucky she really was to have him as a partner and friend. The guilt set in again. She was lying to him. She wasn't honest with the one person who knew her better than she knew herself.

The drive back was silent, and the investigation took off. Their night ended as Olivia stared at her supper in a takeout box with the rest of her team around her at the table in the squad room, working out details. It was 8:00, and she could hear the exhaustion in each voice as they spoke.

"Alright. Go home. Get some rest and we'll come back with fresh eyes tomorrow." Olivia got to her feet and tossed her untouched food in the garbage, an action Nick and the others did not miss. No one said anything as they watched her head back to her office.

As Nick grabbed his coat, Amanda stopped him from heading to speak to Liv.

"I'll talk to her." She gave him a pat on the shoulder.

"Night, Nick - Fin."

"Night Rollins." The two men left as Amanda entered the office as Olivia packed up.

"Hey, Liv?" She knocked gently before stepping in. Olivia looked up, slinging her bag over her shoulder as she buttoned her coat.

"What is it, Amanda?" She sighed.

"I - well we -" she struggled to begin. There was something difficult about confronting her. Her presence was as intimidating as she had always been.

Olivia ran a hand through her hair, wishing to be on her way home. "What is it, Amanda?"

Amanda fell silent, knowing she had to continue. "You haven't eaten all day. I haven't seen you eat all month."

Her mouth stopped as she watched her commanding officer's expression change. Olivia pursed her lips as she glanced to her feet and looked up once more.

"I'm not going to lie to you, Amanda." She paused as she took in the detective's wide eyes.

"I can't eat. I do - when I can. But some days I just can't."

Amanda couldn't say anything in reply. "I'll see you tomorrow. Goodnight."

She disappeared behind Amanda, leaving her with nothing else to say. Olivia answered the call on her phone as she left the elevator to get to her car.

"Benson."

_ "Liv. It's David. I was just wondering if you were free at all any night this week. I caught one hell of a case and it'd be nice to take a bit of a break." _

Olivia, even in her exhaustion, felt a bit of relief. She unlocked her car and sat down.

"I'm free Wednesday night - as of now." She nodded with a sigh.

_"Let's just have a drink. Meet you at Charlie's at 8:00?" _

A tiny grin flickered across her face. "Deal."


End file.
